95 Insanely Funny Facebook Status Ideas and Updates!

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status update

Opened Facebook but couldn’t think of any cool status update? How about starting a day with a funny status update that’ll make up your whole day? I’ve compiled a list of insanely funny updates from my facebook facebook status likefriends’ updates and other pages. So Here’s a list of 95+ Damn funny facebook status updates that you can copy and make as your new status update:

 

  1. A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
  2. Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving.
    Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
    Man: No.
    Cop: Papers.
    Man: Scissors, I win!
  3. Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
  4. I’m not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time: lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
  5. Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
  6. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
  7. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
  8. Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
  9. Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
  10. Scratch here – ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
  11. Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done! :P
  12. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
  13. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
  14. Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
  15. I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.
  16. A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. “Do u have any last requests?” “Yes, will u hold my happy smileyhand?” XD
  17. Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
  18. Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
  19. I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
  20. Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
  21. Insert coin to view status message?
  22. When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
  23. If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”.
  24. Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
  25. Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
  26. Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me.
  27. There’s no such thing as insomnia. Just a lot of people with Internet access. (by ziggy)
  28. ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – Saket Narayan
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More Funny Status, Jack n Jill Style!

  1. Oh Shit! CoupleJack: Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in India. If I’m not there, I go to work.
  2. Jill: Just April Fooled on old lady who was asking for help with getting her walker on the elevator. I kicked her in the shin!
  3. Jack remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
  4. Jill: When we married, Jack treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed…
  5. Jack: I HAD A THOUGHT! No. Wait. False alarm.
  6. Jill wonders why people put their relationship status as its complicated..u idiots why don’t u solve your problems instead of broadcasting them?
  7. Jill: My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them
  8. Jack: Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn’t tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. #FML
  9. Jill: Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn’t remind them!
  10. Jack: I like to name my iPod “‘Titanic” so when it says “Syncing Titanic” I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero B-)
  11. Jack: *After slipping*, I did not fall. I attacked the ground!
  12. Jack: No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I’m going to assume the translation is: “Please think I’m cool.”
  13. Jack: It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
  14. Jill is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
  15. Jill dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
  16. Jack: Don’t waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to “i“, think of another song you like and hum that instead.
  17. Jill is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
  18. Jack: I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 coz my yogurt expires in 2013!
  19. Jill Went to the doctor because I have stabbing pains in my eyes every time I drink tea or coffee… they advised me to try removing the spoon from the cup.
  20. Jack: I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  21. Jill: is forcing her dog to learn facebook.
  22. Jack to Jill: Your intelligence is my Common sense!
  23. Jack: Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
  24. Jill: was thinking why the Frisbee became larger n larger when it suddenly knocked her out.
  25. Jack: In a married life, only one person is correct…. and the other one is husband.

 

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From our Readers

  1. Rohit: You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status! ;)
  2. Lulu: If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
  3. Prakhar: Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
  4. Anand: I am not born to please people, So if you want to get pleased try me in next life…good luck!
  5. Sapphire Wilson: Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.
  6. Anonymous: What do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down ;)
  7. Chelsey: 4 out of 5 urologists smell an apple juice before they drink it.
  8. Miller: Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
  9. JadeW: How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
  10. Morgan: How much do I have to drink to get a mosquito drunk?
  11. Maria: Today I decided to burn calories so i turned fire on fat kids!! ;)
  12. Tony Ray Klimek :
    1. A LOT of folks have been asking me how I’ve managed to lose & keep off all the weight that I’ve been shedding lately. It’s what I like to call “The Obama Debt Diet” … you only eat when you can afford it !!! :)
    2. Apparently, it seems not everyone gets my sense of humor … like the cop who pulled me over today, to whom I replied, “Look officer, the drugs & bloody gun in my glove compartment aren’t mine, & I don’t know anything about the dead body in my trunk” … who replied back, “Get your hands in the Air! Get out of the car! Get on the ground! ” Obviously he can’t take a joke. Someone please come bail me out of jail! :)
    3. You can come on Facebook & write on people’s walls here & they are fine with it … but no, if you go to their house & start writing on their walls there they totally get mad & call the cops on you!
    4. Okay ….. The price of gas is getting out of hand! I went to Wal-Mart earlier to grab some milk & stopped off to get a little gas on the way back; deciding not to fill-up until the weekend when I go to visit the folks. Anyway, I walked in & handed the cashier my money & told her I wanted $5 in gas. SHE FARTED & HANDED ME A RECEIPT !!!
  13. TaylorAM:
    1. If Barbie is so popular why do have to buy all her friends?
    2. People say that things happen for a reason. So remember when i hit you upside the head it was for a reason.
  14. Taylor Carnaghi:
    1. If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
    2. Trust in God but lock your car.
    3. Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
    4. Don’t waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away? ;)
  15. Queeneridanus: I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
  16. Ronak Chauhan: I miss you like a retard misses the point!
  17. Tatiana: wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…but suicide’s a crime.
  18. Halston Sparrow: I wish I had Doras parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
  19. Cynthia: I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.
  20. Megg M: “Super” Mario should so be a kid role model: “Heyy kids don’t be racist… I’m an Italian made by the Japanese I speak English I look like a Mexican and I run like a Jamaican!”
  21. Amber: Just finished my 6 minute upper body workout-it was pretty easy:arm down,pick up food,arm up,put food in mouth, switch arms.
  22. Mark Serrato: Ok Mario you can hit bricks with your head right? Then why do you die when you touch a turtle WTF! -.-
  23. Cassie: A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
  24. Abnera: When a lady had a nice time with a guy, she looks forward for the next moment and the guys looks forward for the next chick.
  25. Alexa: I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
  26. Cnote Torngren: they say you should pay taxes with a smile, I tried……. but they wanted cash.
  27. Erin: The awkward moment when you go to grab someone sexy and tell em hey and you run into the mirror!
  28. Maria: The awkward moment when your at your friends house and your friend is fighting with their parents so you just go and pat the dog.
  29. Alexis: Children – You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  30. The Bustos: Success is like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
  31. Kartik Ganesh: In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers… NOW, they drink like their fathers ; )
  32. Obianuju: I’m not lazy… I’m just conserving energy
  33. Madeline : Lazy fact #163275463190209857: you were too lazy to read that number.
  34. Liam: that fake smile you do when yu get a shit present.
  35. Christina B: When I have kids im going to make them watch the movie 2012, and then tell them i survived that.

Wanna See your Name here?

If you have a status idea that’s funny, then post it below as a comment and I’ll include you in this list as well. NSFW ideas will be deleted immediately.

that fake smile you do when yu get a shit present..

 

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Comments

  1. says

    LOL you got nice list of facebook status, I got one more here it is:

    You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status! ;)

    • Saket says

      Nice to see that you loved them. Btw, if you’ve any similar funny status update, feel free to send them in ;)

      • Sapphire Wilson says

        1.I’m almost bored enough to clean. Keyword being ALMOST
        2.Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision
        3.Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision.
        4.My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.
        5.I’m really a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything
        6.Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.

  2. Emily Johnson says

    Haha i got one

    Scratch here – ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status . :D

    Hahaha ENJOY ! ! ! :D

  3. TaylorAM says

    -If Barbie is so popular why do have to buy all her friends?
    -when im not in my right mind mind my left side gets pretty crowded.
    -Toy Story makes me creeped out to changed in the vasinity of any inanimate object with a face.
    -People say that things happen for a reason. So remember when i hit you upside the head it was for a reason.
    Yours where great too btw, but here are a few more :)

  4. Taylor Carnaghi says

    1. Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
    2. Trust in God but lock your car.
    3. Don’t waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
    4. All the years I watched Spongebob, I’m still unaware of his age.
    5. I fell off a 50 ft ladder last night… fortunately I was on the bottom step. ;)

  5. deviousDiv says

    My Ex is the sweetest woman alive? Why? Because hell has no fury like a scorned woman, and revenge is sweet.

  6. I.C.U.P jokes notreally says

    what do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down ;)

    • Saket says

      Hey that was a good one. But Mr..a..Stranger, will you please give us your name instead of I.C.U.P. jokes. We only include names and not keywords.

  7. sonia says

    Blonde: Doctor how is my boyfren
    Doctor: His gone
    Blonde: Where to, his suppose to come with me
    Doctor: No I mean he did not make it
    Blonde: Make what?
    Doctor: His dead
    Blonde: Damn it, who killed him!

  8. says

    Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;

  9. JadeW says

    if u want lots of comments and likes, try these statuses:
    how come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
    ____ was bored, so i said “Wow, that’s a weird place to put a piano.” You wouldnt believe how many ppl looked around for a piano. i was in an elevator.
    “take him, unlike him, i cant stand pain, it hurts me.”-daffy duck

  10. jesse williams says

    never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

  11. Collins Mokone says

    Jubge exambook by its cover so can go to party

    you rock you stoan I know you will never live me i i will found hear again after 9 year not this my gf Tree

  12. says

    • A LOT of folks have been asking me how I’ve managed to lose & keep off all the weight that I’ve been shedding lately. It’s what I like to call “THE OBAMA DEBT DIET” … you only eat when you can afford it !!! :)
    • Apparently, it seems not everyone gets my sense of humor … like the cop who pulled me over today, to whom I replied, “Look officer, the drugs & bloody gun in my glove compartment aren’t mine, & I don’t know anything about the dead body in my trunk” … who replied back, “GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! GET OUT OF THE CAR! GET ON THE GROUND!” Obviously he can’t take a joke. Someone please come bail me out of jail! :)
    • You can come on Facebook & write on people’s walls here & they are fine with it … but no, if you go to their house & start writing on their walls there they totally get mad & call the cops on you! Um, can someone PLEASE come bail me out of jail? :)
    • Okay ….. THE PRICE OF GAS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND! I went to Wal-Mart earlier to grab some milk & stopped off to get a little gas on the way back; deciding not to fill-up until the weekend when I go to visit the folks. Anyway, I walked in & handed the cashier my money & told her I wanted $5 in gas. SHE FARTED & HANDED ME A RECEIPT !!!
  13. Annie says

    Girl “Mirror Mirror hanging on the wall, Who is the finest of them all? ” Mirror, ” How the heck would i know, your blocking my damn sight ! “

  14. Annie says

    Dear Jesus, I know have been such a pain latly, I’m SO sorry, Oh if i could just have my fav. pink iPhone, and this new iPad thats kickin the market! and if i could change my acer to apple and aford shopping at victoria’s secret! I could also use some vacation to Vegas! with my new BMW but you can forget about all above if i can have my Mom here

  15. Makayla says

    i.I would give you the world if i could gift wrap the globe.
    ii.Grandpa: How old are you?
    Me: I’m 13.
    Grandpa: You know what? When I was your age I was also 13.

  16. Priyanshu Kumar says

    facbuk update: There r only two good singers ever born on planet. . . 1st is MJ and the other is me. . . …….plz dont laugh,. MJ also sings quite nice !!!

  17. queeneridanus says

    If you watch 127 hours backwards, it’s an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

  18. queeneridanus says

    Sometimes I want to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver screaming, “Ladies and gentlemen this is not a drill!”

  19. queeneridanus says

    The squiggly red lines you get when typing in a Word document are your computer’s allergic reaction to dumb.

  20. Robin Barnes says

    I am not crazy you are! It’s complety normal to talk to teddy bears, see pink unicorns, and hang out with purple porcupines!

    Im not random you just don’t think as fast as me.

  21. vanessa says

    you ever wonder if the money in your wallet has ever been in a strippers crack?? bet you are now!!!

  22. says

    thinks its funny when people post “its raining” as their status. it makes you want to be a smart ass and say “thank you for the update for all of us who dont have WINDOWS”

  23. Hill Man says

    why kid like to point their head up in the sky,because their parents said ‘baby come from the sky’.

  24. Cynthia says

    I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.

  25. says

    I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?” :]

  26. Julia says

    I don’t know why I bother wearing lipstick to work. It just ends up all over my water bottle or my gun barrel by noon anyway.

  27. everardo says

    I tolled my mom can i play the wii she said in 5 min i was wating for in hour i am like mom i never new that 5 min is in hour for you!!

  28. syed ahh says

    Before Marriage-
    Boy: I have been waiting for this day.
    Girl: Do u want me to leave??
    Boy: NO!!!!
    Girl: Do u love me?
    Boy: Of Course
    Girl: Will u ever cheat on me??
    Boy: Never in my life
    Girl: Will u ever kiss me?
    Boy: Every chance i get
    Girl: Will u hit me??
    Boy: Are u crazzy..!
    Girl: Can i trust u??
    Boy: Yes..!!
    Girl: Sweet Heart..!
    -After Marriage-
    (now read from bottom to top)

  29. aubree' says

    No girl wants to be called a bitch , but as soon as you add
    “bad” in front of it those hoes feel honored (:

  30. Siciley Wilson says

    Its so funny how facebook brings people together. You get a friend request, then you think awww I absoultly hate that person! Then you click accept.

  31. megg m says

    “super” Mario should so be a kid role model. “he kids don’t be racist… I’m an Italian made by the Japanese I speak English I look like a Mexican and I run like a Jamaican!”

  32. Mark Serrato says

    Ok this is for Mario Bros…Ok Mario you can hit bricks with your head right..Then why do you die when you touch a turtle WTFF!! -.-

  33. Amber says

    I’m not easily distracted I’m just~OMG!the giant purple waffle just flew off with my rainbow polka dotted monkey! >:o

  34. Amber says

    just finished my 6 minute upper body workout-it was pretty easy:arm down,pick up food,arm up,put food in mouth, switch arms…

  35. cassie says

    A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.

  36. Abnera says

    When a lady had a nice time with a guy, she looks forward for the next moment and the guys looks forward for the next chick..

  37. J.D. says

    They say the #1 past time for people driving alone is picking their nose. You can always tell when that’s true cuz you can see their winning streak.

  38. Alexa says

    Here are some:
    1) I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
    2) When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally,
    well played.
    3) Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
    4)̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
    5)Cut here —————–✄———————- to view today’s status.
    6) ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click Like then up arrow to left to reveal status.
    7)——–remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

  39. Alexa says

    Yay, my mine is here!
    Here is some more:
    —really doesn’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining break-dancing and lunch?
    OK little Johnny, very good, dogs go woof, now what sound does a Giraffe make?
    decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

  40. Jack Lafferty says

    Haha, This One Is Wierd But Anyways

    What Is The Capital Of Australia
    *
    **
    ***
    ****
    *****
    ****
    ***
    **
    *
    A!!!!!!!!!

  41. murphy says

    Jesus backwards spells sausage

    Ima send that bitch a Smiley face, bitches love Smiley faces ;D

    Marriage …..betting someone half of ur shit that you’ll love them forever…

    When I’m sober I understand things..when I’m high I overstand things.

    Bad decisions make great stories.

    Apple and blackberry should merge together and make a sweet phone called pie.

    I wonder what its like for a blind person tripping balls on hallucigens.

    Some people speculate that after smoking weed kids turn to hard drugs…Ile tell u what, only thing I turn to is the kitchen.

    Hmm if my calculations are correct, Slinky+escalator =everlasting fun XD

  42. Cnote Torngren says

    :My karma ran over my dogma..
    *they say you should pay taxes with a smile, I tried……. they wanted cash…
    *Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
    *It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
    another.
    *Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid…
    * A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
    *All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height!
    *Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

    That’s all I can think of for now

  43. PrettyLittleLiarsBestShowEver! says

    things that get top comments:

    if you send me a friend request and your picture is a car, im gonna think you are a transformer

    the way you act aint cute :3

    Tell me how i can give EVERYONE advice, if im clueless as fuck!

    Lord, protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemies -_-

    Its too loud in my head with words i never said

  44. EO says

    greatest status update ever!!!

    Likes to hide in people’s trunks and mess with there brake lights when they drive so i can claim I was kidnapped when they get pulled over. -.-

  45. says

    was drivin’ on the highway until a female officer stoped me and said,,
    officer: ”Sir,,you are violatin’ code 0396 meanin’ you can cause accidents”
    me: ”I’m not even drivin’ fast!!”
    officer: ”I know but you’re distractin’ other people with your exteme good sexy looks,,REPORT TO MY BEDROOM IMMEDIATELY!!”

    I know my posts r dry,,so don’t bother partyin’ ‘bwt it!!

    Post on ur friendz wall — lol,,man u dint tell me ur famous?! Damn ur a celeb,,i just saw u on animal planet..btw r leaves n grass tasty??

  46. says

    1) Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU IDIOTS

    2) I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

    3) If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence… Your answer should always be, Please don’t hit me again officer…

    4) When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, “Ew, eat a salad.” When a fat girl eats a salad, people think, “Is she trying to lose weight or something?” ..but when a SKINNY girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, “Wow, she eats and eats and never gains a pound.” and when a SKINNY girl eats a salad, people think, “Why is she eating a salad? She doesn’t need to lose weight.”

  47. Tia says

    This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog.
    Now read it without the words dog!

  48. isaac says

    father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend, he’s rough and common and bloody stupid with it.” “Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”

  49. Yami says

    3² + y +8 [(x + 2y ²=a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z= 2. 4) + 10y – 5Z ³= k= 9x…Yeah, I can definitely see how this is gonna help me in life. -.-

  50. says

    An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

    An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

    An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.

    An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

    An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

    An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of “sure”.

  51. Desi says

    I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

  52. Drew says

    If I found out I was going to die and only had a week to live, and could go anywhere, I’d go to the hospital because that sounds pretty serious.

  53. Leila says

    So today i decided to burn some calories so i set a fat kid on fire! Lol This would probably be one of my fave status ever! Hahha :D

  54. Ryan says

    Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click shift (then let go) now click:
    Control + W. (not the thing earlier this is real, u must try it!

    • janette says

      bitches are dogs, dogs bark, bark is a tree , tree is nature , nature is beatifull, who the fuk invented that now we can call them bitches

  55. faris says

    The awkward moment when your at your friends house and your friend is fighting with their parents so you just go and pat the dog.

  56. ahahhaha says

    Listenn To Dis Tell ME iT Aintt True Ndd Thenn Ill SoCKK yuh
    Single or not. post this as your status and see what colors people say…
    Orange-i like you.
    Pink- i hate you.
    Purple- i want a relationship w/ you.
    Blue- i <3 you.
    Green- your my best friend.
    Yellow- i miss you.
    Black- you're hot.
    Gray- we need to talk more.
    dis is actually two status

  57. Alexis says

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

  58. MadIntruder89 says

    You studied at Harvad University? Just because you went over the free brochure does not mean you studied there…

  59. Dasha says

    I hate how facebook makes me feel so obnoxious:
    Kim just liked a post on her own wall
    Well when you say it like that…

  60. Liam says

    I met a fairy the other day…
    Fairy: Hello there Liam, I am a fairy and you have 1 wish. What will it be?
    Me: I want to live for ever!
    Fairy: sorry I can’t grant wishes like that…
    me: Okay then, i want to die when West Brom Win the English Premier League.
    Fairy: You cheeky Bastard!
    Fairy: *Waves Wand* Wish granted Liam!

  61. Desirae DeFoe says

    Me: There’s a long fear of a word you should know
    Crystal: What’s that??
    Me: Its HIppopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH
    Crystal: Des your the shit your sooo funny
    Me: I know I am Right!!!!!

  62. SoNam ChoDen S says

    Life Is Like FACEBOOK. People Will Like Ur Problems & Comment On It But No One’s Gonna Solve Them Coz Everyone Is Busy In Updating Their…

  63. Kartik Ganesh says

    I’m very protective of my six pack ….. I protect it with a layer of fat !! : D

    In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers……..NOW, they drink like their fathers ; )

  64. Pieter Loots says

    Girls should be grateful of “players”. If it wasn’t for them, the ‘playstation’ would have been shut off centuries ago.

  65. Ity says

    why do we need school???
    music~we have YouTube for that.
    Spanish ~i watch Dora.
    English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
    geography~i will buy a globe.
    … history~they are all dead anyway.
    math~that is why we have the calculator.
    spelling~we have spell check on the computer.See More

  66. Red Gates says

    People always tell me not to feed the trolls… I fed the last one that I saw some X-lax. haven’t seen him around since. :3

  67. aaron smith says

    when you get into a fight at school and when you get punched in the face and everybody stares at you the whole day :)

  68. Christina B. says

    Wouldnt it be Ironic if you choked on a lifesaver?

    When I have kids im going to make them watch the movie 2012, and then tell them i survived that.

  69. lalaine manalo says

    There should only one option for relationship status on facebook. Because whether single, married or in a relationship, it’s complicated.

  70. casey says

    that awkward moment when you you feel amazing cause you solved a math promblem, someone else says the same anwser only to hear its wrong:(

  71. Ryan Allen says

    Chelsea was looking for her ‘where’s wally’ book this morning…. even the book is hard to find

  72. Dave says

    I’ve decided I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket, loaded with confetti. Why I hear you ask? Because some time in the future, some archiologist is going to have an awesome day!!!

  73. stevewul says

    Have you noticed, whenever you lose something you always find something you lost before…when i was 14 i lost my virginity but found my attitude ;-)

  74. Raquel Cruz (cookie girl) says

    Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

  75. Shaly H. says

    So… Adele? You ‘Set Fire To The Rain’ huh? That’s interesting… And how exactly do you put that out? Rain?

  76. Lulu says

    I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.

  77. Conner says

    That awkward moment when you your friend’s parents are yelling at them, so you just sit there and pull out your phone.

  78. Derrick Leedy says

    That awkward moment when you yell “GLABLE” and someone hears you and sais to a friend “hmmm what a retard he actually tried to make is sound like, ORANGE”

  79. mazzie says

    Mom texts daughter: honey what does idk, ttyl, tc mean?
    daughter texts back: i dont know, talk to you later, take care.
    mom texts again: ok i’ll just ask your sister!

  80. Stephanie Yousif says

    “I wasn`t that drunk.“ Dude you threw my parrot and screamed “Angry Birds.“

  81. Stephanie Yousif says

    I just realized the tooth fairy teaches little kids to sell their body parts for money!

  82. Rohel says

    Kasab dies of old age.

    Golmaal 27 will be released.
    Tushar kapur Will still be unable to speak (Or act!).

    Shard pawar Owns half the world.

    Clean shaven men refuse to travel alone in late night cabs.

    Facebook is declared a country.

    Minister under scrutinity for not scamming.

    Sidhu shuts his mouth.

    A Raja does a 6G scam.

    A gal in delhi goes frm pt. A to B safely.

    Lakhshwadeep lions to b the 63rd team to join IPL.

    Poonam pandey to strip for Baba Ramdev’s medicine camp.

    Pakistan wants Tamil Nadu.
    PM says that v can resolve issues by peaceful talks.

    Rabri givs birth to lalu’s 51st kid.
    Celebrations in the yadav family!

    Himesh Reshammiya arrested for provoking suicides by singing for a charity event:

  83. Abby Tomlinson says

    some people have a fake tan, fake eyelashes , fake hair, fake contacts and fake nails
    well i say to them…they must be made in china

  84. Emmie says

    I found the one about when a man opens the car door for a woman it means one of two things…. that is really funny. Though I found many of them extremely funny.

  85. Josh Juracich says

    I watched transformers today, then spent the next two hours in my garage telling my car I knew his secret. He’s shy!

  86. Francesca Cooke says

    Love me or leave me. Hey! Where’s everybody going??

    AWESOME….Without ME and my friends its just… AWESO.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

    Adults are just kids with money.

    A best friend is somone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out

    M= Mental
    A= Abuse
    T= To
    H= Humans

  87. GlistheD says

    Who Says Chemistry is Easy..!!

    Chemistry is Complicated…!!

    2 Guys Conversation in Bathroom During Test

    G1 : You Gotta Help Me !
    G2 : I Am Just here For Peeing . I can’t Help During test

    G1 : Please Dude … I Am Gonna Fail
    G2 : Okay Be Quick .. Ask Me ?

    G1 : Whats Abbreviation For Nobelium ?
    G2 : NO

    G1 : But You Said You Will Tell Me…
    G2 : NO !

    G1 : Ok Leave it Tell me Whats Sodium ?
    G2 : Na !

    G1 : Damn Atleast Tell me Of Potassium ?
    G2 : Hmm K !

    G1 : What’s Okay ?
    G2 : Just K !

    G1 : Whats Just OK ?
    G2 : You Mean OK2 ?

    G1 : Whats OK Too ?
    G2 : Potassium Oxide ..

    G1 : Oxide ?
    G2 : O

    G1 : Oh ! What ??
    G2 : Oxygen

    G1 : Damn Not Oxygen I Asked For Potassium ?
    G2 : K

    G1 : NO
    G2 : Nobelium

    G1 : Nobelium ?
    G2 : NO

    G1 : Just Give Me The Bonus Question Answer . Whats Element166 ?
    G2 : Uhh

    G1 :Go On ?
    G2 : UHH

    G1 : UHH ??
    G2 : Exactly

    G1 : NO WHAT IS IT ???
    G2 : Nobelium

    G1 : Damn For God Sake Atleast Tell me For URANIUM ?
    G2 : Thats U !

    G1 : I Know Thats Upto Me … But IAm Asking Your Help
    G2 : U !

    G1 : NO YOU !!!
    G2 : Nobelium . Uranium

    G1 : You Are An Ass
    G2 : URANIUM (U) ARGON (AR) NITROGEN (N) Arsenic (AS)
    U AR N AS

    G1 : You Are An Ass
    G2 : Exactly !!

    G1 : Baaah !!!
    G2 : Barium ! :D :)) :D

  88. Olivia .B. says

    Dear Haters,
    I can’t help but notice that awesoME ends in ‘me’ and Ugly ends in ‘U’
    From (name) :)

  89. Olivia .B. says

    your mum decides to be in the room when your on the computer, so you switch it to Google and stare at the screen, until she gets bored!

  90. Olivia .B. says

    The new parent threat: ‘stop doing that or I will put it on facebook for all your friends to see!’

  91. Olivia .B. says

    have you ever had a fly or a small bug on your computer screen, and the first thing you decide to do is scare it with the cursor!

  92. Olivia .B. says

    My computer just beat me at chess, but it doesnt stand a chance against me in kick boxing!

    Grammar is important. for instance, commas can save lives: lets eat grandad! Lets eat, grandad!

  93. TJ says

    “You text her, she doesn’t text back. It’s clear that she was so excited that you texted her that she fainted.” And here I thought I was being rejected all these years. :)

  94. stephen ferris says

    Thanks google for letting me ask you all those stupid questions that i was to embarrest to ask anyone else.

  95. says

    note to self….when asked by the gorgeous cashire if their is anything else that she can do for me DONT answer ” sure!! get naked for me!!!” lmao!!! ;-D!!!

  96. Samantha says

    Danny!!!Hey nice to saw a new post again!! how are you?drink more water and also take a break when tired…your’s fan…By antonylca..(antony_lca@hotmail.com)

  97. says

    “Narcilepsy is a REAL disease and is NOT a jokezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

  98. Danielle whittle says

    Spooning is so overrated, sweating
    Off someone elses body heat, slaying moving away trying not too offend them and don’t get me started on the whole akward “is there a flashlight under there or you jut happy too see me” conversation

  99. DALE BROWN says

    I’m a tell you like the Bathtub told the toilet stool,I get as much ass as you,but i don’t have to take all of that Shit…

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