Opened Facebook but couldn’t think of any cool status update? How about starting a day with a funny status update that’ll make up your whole day? I’ve compiled a list of insanely funny updates from my friends’ updates and other pages. So Here’s a list of 95+ Damn funny facebook status updates that you can copy and make as your new status update:
- A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
- Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Man: Scissors, I win!
- Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
- I’m not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time: lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
- Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
- Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
- Scratch here – ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
- Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done!
- When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
- Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
- Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
- I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.
- A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. “Do u have any last requests?” “Yes, will u hold my hand?” XD
- Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
- Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
- I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
- Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
- Insert coin to view status message?
- When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
- If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”.
- Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
- Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
- Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me.
- There’s no such thing as insomnia. Just a lot of people with Internet access. (by ziggy)
- ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – Saket Narayan
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More Funny Status, Jack n Jill Style!
- Jack: Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in India. If I’m not there, I go to work.
- Jill: Just April Fooled on old lady who was asking for help with getting her walker on the elevator. I kicked her in the shin!
- Jack remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
- Jill: When we married, Jack treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed…
- Jack: I HAD A THOUGHT! No. Wait. False alarm.
- Jill wonders why people put their relationship status as its complicated..u idiots why don’t u solve your problems instead of broadcasting them?
- Jill: My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them
- Jack: Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn’t tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. #FML
- Jill: Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn’t remind them!
- Jack: I like to name my iPod “‘Titanic” so when it says “Syncing Titanic” I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero B-)
- Jack: *After slipping*, I did not fall. I attacked the ground!
- Jack: No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I’m going to assume the translation is: “Please think I’m cool.”
- Jack: It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
- Jill is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
- Jill dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
- Jack: Don’t waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to “i“, think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- Jill is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
- Jack: I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 coz my yogurt expires in 2013!
- Jill Went to the doctor because I have stabbing pains in my eyes every time I drink tea or coffee… they advised me to try removing the spoon from the cup.
- Jack: I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
- Jill: is forcing her dog to learn facebook.
- Jack to Jill: Your intelligence is my Common sense!
- Jack: Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
- Jill: was thinking why the Frisbee became larger n larger when it suddenly knocked her out.
- Jack: In a married life, only one person is correct…. and the other one is husband.
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From our Readers
- Rohit: You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status!
- Lulu: If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
- Prakhar: Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
- Anand: I am not born to please people, So if you want to get pleased try me in next life…good luck!
- Sapphire Wilson: Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.
- Anonymous: What do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down
- Chelsey: 4 out of 5 urologists smell an apple juice before they drink it.
- Miller: Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
- JadeW: How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
- Morgan: How much do I have to drink to get a mosquito drunk?
- Maria: Today I decided to burn calories so i turned fire on fat kids!!
- Tony Ray Klimek :
- A LOT of folks have been asking me how I’ve managed to lose & keep off all the weight that I’ve been shedding lately. It’s what I like to call “The Obama Debt Diet” … you only eat when you can afford it !!!
- Apparently, it seems not everyone gets my sense of humor … like the cop who pulled me over today, to whom I replied, “Look officer, the drugs & bloody gun in my glove compartment aren’t mine, & I don’t know anything about the dead body in my trunk” … who replied back, “Get your hands in the Air! Get out of the car! Get on the ground! ” Obviously he can’t take a joke. Someone please come bail me out of jail!
- You can come on Facebook & write on people’s walls here & they are fine with it … but no, if you go to their house & start writing on their walls there they totally get mad & call the cops on you!
- Okay ….. The price of gas is getting out of hand! I went to Wal-Mart earlier to grab some milk & stopped off to get a little gas on the way back; deciding not to fill-up until the weekend when I go to visit the folks. Anyway, I walked in & handed the cashier my money & told her I wanted $5 in gas. SHE FARTED & HANDED ME A RECEIPT !!!
- If Barbie is so popular why do have to buy all her friends?
- People say that things happen for a reason. So remember when i hit you upside the head it was for a reason.
- Taylor Carnaghi:
- If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
- Trust in God but lock your car.
- Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
- Don’t waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
- Queeneridanus: I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
- Ronak Chauhan: I miss you like a retard misses the point!
- Tatiana: wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…but suicide’s a crime.
- Halston Sparrow: I wish I had Doras parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
- Cynthia: I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.
- Megg M: “Super” Mario should so be a kid role model: “Heyy kids don’t be racist… I’m an Italian made by the Japanese I speak English I look like a Mexican and I run like a Jamaican!”
- Amber: Just finished my 6 minute upper body workout-it was pretty easy:arm down,pick up food,arm up,put food in mouth, switch arms.
- Mark Serrato: Ok Mario you can hit bricks with your head right? Then why do you die when you touch a turtle WTF! -.-
- Cassie: A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
- Abnera: When a lady had a nice time with a guy, she looks forward for the next moment and the guys looks forward for the next chick.
- Alexa: I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
- Cnote Torngren: they say you should pay taxes with a smile, I tried……. but they wanted cash.
- Erin: The awkward moment when you go to grab someone sexy and tell em hey and you run into the mirror!
- Maria: The awkward moment when your at your friends house and your friend is fighting with their parents so you just go and pat the dog.
- Alexis: Children – You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- The Bustos: Success is like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
- Kartik Ganesh: In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers… NOW, they drink like their fathers ; )
- Obianuju: I’m not lazy… I’m just conserving energy
- Madeline : Lazy fact #163275463190209857: you were too lazy to read that number.
- Liam: that fake smile you do when yu get a shit present.
- Christina B: When I have kids im going to make them watch the movie 2012, and then tell them i survived that.
Wanna See your Name here?
If you have a status idea that’s funny, then post it below as a comment and I’ll include you in this list as well. NSFW ideas will be deleted immediately.
that fake smile you do when yu get a shit present..